Rules of the Franchouchou House
by Black Gold Saya
Summary: "This is Sakura. Staying all together in one house with wonderful idols is great! Its like living with your best friends. Except maybe Kōtarō-san... Life in a confined place even this big can get hectic though. We need some organization to keep our lives in order! Next time on Zombie Land Saga: 'Rules of the Franchouchou House' Mata ne"
1. Rule 1: Tae-chan Must Bathe Daily

**A/N** This is something a little different. Inspired by Things no Longer Allowed Involving Shipgirls, I decided to try my hand at a daily post/chapter thing. Something for me to work on everyday and keep my creativity going while I plan advancements for my other two 'more series' stories. I hope some of you enjoy Zombie Land Saga as much as I do.

Rule 1: Tae-chan must bathe daily

Sakura and the other girls were glad they didn't carry the reek of decay. That would have made life after death harder to bear. Yet eve so everyone enjoyed their bath time. The hot water of the shower beating down invigorated necrotic flesh, the following bath soak was relaxing, the smells of soap and shampoo and lotions was calming. Yūgiri took her hygienic habits to a ritualistic degree. Kōtarō himself was known to spend hours soaking in the tub. The one exception to the norm was Tae, who for whatever reason objected to bathe time, in her own unique fashion.

"Sakura, OHAYO GOZAIMASU!" Kōtarō 'yoinked' Sakura into a random side closet as she was walking down the hallway.

"G-good morning." The pink-haired girl replied meekly, unsure what madness the producer was about to spout on her. Kōtarō had shut the door behind them and was leaning uncomfortably close to her face. Even this close she couldn't see his eyes past his dark shades.

"Yesss g-o-o-d morning, mmm. Heyyy, can I ask you something personal?" He wasn't smiling or frowning so Sakura had no idea where this was going. Nervously she nodded her head.

"Sure. I guess-"

"WHY IS TAE-CHAN NOT BATHING? She smells like, eh, you know, BEE OH!?" He theatrically held his nose with one hand, and waved his hand in front of his face with the other. "Phew phew phew! Not how an idol should smell!"

"Eto... How _should_ an idol smell?" Sakura wondered, more confused than before.

"Ahhh, well you know… Uh." Kōtarō fidgeted for a moment, caught off guard by the fair question. "Like uh, uh, NOT LIKE A ZOMBIE! BAKA! Think you're so clever with your... Your... QUESTIONS?"

"Maybe you could talk to Tae-chan about this?" Sakura shrugged. Why did Kōtarō always come to her when things in the group broke down? Saki was the leader and Yūgiri held everyone's respect. Either of them would be better to go to. Though she suspected he was a little scared of Yūgiri, and Saki could be unpredictable. Not as unpredictable as Tae, still though.

"USELESS! Worthless rotting doll! I'll handle this myself. Hm hm hm!" Kōtarō spun around to leave, his blazer flapping dramatically. It would have been a cool exit if he wasn't facing the back of the closet.

"Eto… did you mean to go this way-"

"I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, BAKA!" His fists twitched with agitation. "Every move I make is precise and planned. I think five moves ahead on the board, something you can't do with your worthless zombie brain!" He glanced over his shoulder to see she had already left, missing his brilliant diatribe. "Uzai." He harrumphed to himself.

 **Operation Bath Time**

Tae-chan was wandering around an empty room (of which there were several) when a fried squid smacked into the side of her face. Moving with an uncharacteristically speedy reflex, she snatched the squid out of the air before it touched the floor. She eagerly crammed the whole thing into her mouth, just as another plodded onto the floor a few feet away. Followed by another and another and so on. The trail of greasy food leading a winding route through the mansion, and ending at the bathtub, soapy water spilling over the top as the faucet had been left carelessly on.

"Ohayo gozaimasu, Tae-chan." Kōtarō whispered to himself smugly. "You have fallen for my wiles, yeass. Showtime." Kōtarō stepped forward quickly to push the zombie into the tub, just as she bent over to fetch a squid, and he slipped on the soapy floor, flipping over Tae and dunking himself into the bathtub with a splash. "I thought you underestimated me, but I was the one- the underesti- I WAS THE ONE-" He paused. Tae-chan, lacking interest in his rant, had wandered off again. Yūgiri and Lily, however, were peeking at him from opposite sides of the doorway.

"Kōtarō-han, do you need assistance? Are you feeling too feeble and pained to disrobe yourself?" Yūgiri questioned, her face mixed with concern and confusion.

"Maybe he's washing his clothes while he bathes." Lily suggested.

"Hmmm. Very economical of him. Is water in so short a supply in this age?"

"Get out." Kōtarō grumbled before Lily could reply. His tone was subdued but not defeated. "You are indeed worthy of the title 'legendary', but you have not yet faced my true brilliance-"

"Pardon? Did you summoned me, Kōtarō-han?" Yūgiri reappeared silently in the doorway, like magic.

"I SAID GET OUT!"

 **Operation Bath Time (The 2nd charge)**

"He what? Ha ha ha ha! Oh Shrimpy! I wish I was you. Well, not really, I'd just have loved to see that." Saki snorted, positively rolling on the floor, her blond locks splayed out behind her. "What a dumb ass! Or Tae-chan is secretly a genius. Oi, you holding out on us, Tae-chan?"

"Rrraargh?" Tae looked up from the couch she was ripping into, stuffing stuck in her teeth.

"I'm not Shrimpy, I'm Lily." The youngest member of the group pouted. "How did you know Tae-chan was there?"

"I ran into Sakura earlier." Saki replied, still laying on the floor. "She told me Slim Shady had a stick up his ass about Tae-chan."

"Kōtarō-san is going to keep going till he gets what he wants." Lily said worriedly. The combined shenanigan-ian might of Kōtarō and Tae could bring the entire house down around them, if it kept escalating.

"He can become rather fixated."Yūgiri added "I once had a similar gentleman caller…"

"Sorry to interrupt your story, Big Sis, but _I_ will take care of this problem." Saki said, climbing to her feet and cracking her knuckles.

You're going to kill Kōtarō-san!?" Lily sounded alarmed.

"Huh? Nah. Not today anyway. I'm going to give Tae-chan a wash so he drops this." Saki replied. "Oiii, Tae-chan, stop eating the couch pleassssse. Let's go outside, okay? Come on. Let's go for a walk."

Saki's plan was much simpler in invention. Eloquently so! She was going to literally hose Tae off like a muddy tire, clothes and all. No fuss no muss. The only problem was the water wasn't coming out, for some reason. "Oi, come on now!" Saki shook the hose, but nothing happened. Saki turned up the pressure, but still no results. Throwing the hose down in frustration, she then saw the problem. "Tae-chan, you're standing on the hose. Move please." Tae looked down and, seemingly understanding, stepped aside. The sudden release of full pressure turned the garden hose into an angry, water spouting serpent. Saki made several grabs at the flailing tube, only to get herself soaking wet and smacked in the face a few times. Tae, being ever helpful, caught the hose in between her teeth subduing it easily.

"Thank you, Tae-chan." Saki almost reached the hose when the unthinkable happened. The distant sound of the Jelly Cake Truck. Dread slowly filled Saki's soul.

"Aarggrhh?" Tae got _that_ look in her eyes. The one before she went berserk.

"Tae-chan… resist the jelly cake siren sooooong-" She didn't get to finish her comment before Tae took off, the hose still clamped in her jaws. The same water hose that had whipped around and somehow tangled itself around Saki's legs, now dragging her face-down through all the mud they had created. Of course, the hose was attached to the faucet still, so Tae quickly ran out of slack, and the rubber tube yanked away from her and sprung directly at Saki. "Oh come on…." She groaned as the hose met her muddy face...

 **Operation Bath Time cancelled**

"Oooh what's this? The big, bad biker girl defeated by gardening equipment? The same things that defeat tanuki? Hohoho! You look like a tanuki actually." Kōtarō snickered, though he made sure to stay out of Saki's grabbing range. Yūgiri was holding an ice pack to Saki's black eye. Luckily it could be hidden by her hair if it didn't go down before the next show. "I say we take her apart and put her in the dishwasher. Hmhm!" Kōtarō crossed his arms and nodded to himself.

"Could I try to resolve this before we resort to such drastic measures?" Yūgiri quietly asked, trying to diffuse the situation before Saki started throwing things. Kōtarō was too afraid of Yūgiri for a standard mocking response, so instead he spun on his heel and left with a shit-eating grin on his face. Saki was pretty much done with the affair and didn't care, but didn't vocalize her thoughts. "Tae-han, come with me please." She took Tae hand and led her away in a fashion that was well-practiced.

 **The next day**

Sakura hummed a song she couldn't remember the words to, a towel roll under her arm, the bathing room her destination. She didn't bother knocking. It was seven AM, this shower was hers for an hour. "Hup!" She gasped in shock, dropping her bathing materials. "Tae-chan?" Tae was in the shower, chewing a bottle of shampoo. "I'm sorry - I'm sorry - I'm sorry" Sakura blushed hard, backing out of the room fast.

"Ohayo gozaimasu, Sakura. You look more lost than normal. _Hm-hm-hm_ " Kōtarō smirked, stepping into the bathroom regardless of it being her time. "WAAAAAAAH?" He screamed before the sound of someone falling on the floor. Sakura decided to take her shower later in the morning.

"How did you get Tae-san to like showers?" Lily asked as she and Yūgiri set the table for breakfast.

"I was educated in many arts and practices." Yūgiri replied mysteriously. "Do you want to wake up Saki-han for breakfast?"

"Okay!" Lily replied cheerfully.

Needless to say getting Tae to bathe was no longer an issue. Now if only everyone could keep to their appointed shower times.

["Ai here. Daily hygiene practices are an important part of any idols day, so make sure to take care of yourself, because you're someone's idol! Still, it would be nice if we weren't stuck in this house all the time. I want to see how the outside world has changed! Next time on Zombie Land Saga: 'Don't let Junko-chan become a shut-in!' See you then."


	2. Rule 2: Don't let Junko-chan

Rule 2: Don't let Junko-chan become a shut-in!

Things at the Franchouchou house were unusually quiet for once. Kōtarō had failed to secure any new engagements, so the girls had had free time for the last week now. At first they'd done some rehearsals, but the dances were pretty much perfect and Tae kept getting distracted. Daily chores could only occupy a restless mind until they were finished. Then it was just more wandering the halls like, well, a zombie! Saki was more irritable when bored, Lily was uncharacteristically grumpy, Ai had become hooked on watching YouTube, Tae was doing... Tae-type things, and Junko was spending her time in an empty room looking at nothing in particular, in a 'zombie state of mind' if you will. Even Yūgiri was starting to feel restless. It was just a matter of time before someone started an argument. As the not-leader-but-thrust-into-leader-roles-constantly, Sakura felt an obligation to try to resolve some of these issues.

"Ai-chan. Sorry to bother you." Ai was sitting in the computer room, transfixed by whatever she was watching. The illumination of the monitor lighting her face up and making her hair decorations glow. "I was thinking of talking to Kōtarō about getting out of the house more, when we have free time like this? I think it would be good for everyone's spirits?" She fidgeted awkwardly, feeling like she was being ignored.

"Uh huh." Ai replied, not pausing in her typing. "Good luck with that."

"Uhhh, I was hoping someone could come with me? Strength in numbers? Ehehe." Sakura rubbed the back of her head nervously.

"Nah." Ai replied. "Idiot-manager won't go for that. He only likes dumb ideas. Find a way to make it sound really, really dumb and he might get on board. Aw. Keyboard Cat died. Did you know that?"

"Uh, no? Also Junko-chan is spending a lot of time in that room again. I think she might be getting depressed." Ai paused typing and glanced at Sakura for the first time.

"Looking at pictures of the city are getting kinda boring." Another pause. "Go talk to the others. If we all bother him he might agree."

"Junko-chan isn't replying when I knock."

Ai shrugged with one shoulder, decidedly _not_ looking at Sakura now. "Junko-chan has her own problems which going outside probably won't cure. She just needs time." She resumed her typing.

Sakura knew Kōtarō was going to be difficult, in fact he seemed to enjoy being difficult with her, but apparently the others were becoming set in their gloom. The situation was even worse than she had feared. The evidence for this furthered when she found Tae in the communal room just lying on the floor.

"Tae-chan, are you hurt?" Sakura knelt beside the wild zombie and lifted her hand. Tae's arm stayed positioned exactly as Sakura had held it even after she let go.

"Errgguurrghh." Tae mumbled, sounding more detached than normal.

"Oh no Tae-chan. This lethargy is affecting you worse, because you're not fully awake." She lowered Tae's arm back to the floor. "You're going to rigor mortise if you stop moving. We have to stay active and loose." She tried to get Tae up, but the other zombie wasn't in the mood. Given Tae's weight and disproportionate strength there wasn't much anyone could do if she didn't _want_ to do something. Sakura settled for grabbing Tae's feet and dragging her behind as she looked for the other girls. Surely someone would help her convince Kōtarō of her proposal. Or at least annoy him into submission. The next idol she found was Lily. Or rather Lily found her.

"Sakura-san are you giving people horsey rides? That's not how you do that." Lily commented.

"No Lily-chan I'm-" was all Sakura got out before Lily jumped on her back and latched on like a monkey. Something in Sakura's spine gave a disturbing creak. She did not want to play horsey, but this was the most energetic Lily had been in days. At least she hadn't found a place to just stop and put down roots, like Junko and the others. Tae chose this time to use her greatest talent, mimicry. This was very useful when learning a dance routine. Less helpful when jumping on your already overloaded back.

"Yay! Tae-san want's to play horsey too!"

"Yay..." Sakura's knees trembled. "Uh...um... Have you seen Saki-chan or... Yūgiri-chan..." She managed to wheeze before her legs gave put, literally disconnecting from her hips and bringing everyone down with a crash, squishing Sakura between them and the floor.

"Sorry." Lily scooted off Sakura's back and helped her into an awkward sitting position to reattach her limbs. "I think I saw Saki-chan going upstairs with a bike earlier? I guess she doesn't know that's an outside toy."

"Up... stairs... Hup!"

X X X

"What's up internet-tube. This is Saki Nikaidō and I'm about to ride this bike off this roof!" Saki narrated into the camera she had taped to the handlebars. "This is kinda a shitty ride, but I'm a crazy bitch and I need to feel the wind in my hair. Don't try this at home. Or do try it, I'm not your mommy."

"Saki-chan!" Sakura called from off-screen.

"Oh hey, Sakura. Shrimpy, come to watch me go virus on the web tube?"

"Eh? Virus? No. I don't think this is a good idea? Maybe come back inside please?"

"Bikes are an outside activity." Lily helpfully added.

"Ehhhhh? I am outside. Well, here I g~o~o~o~o~o~"

"That's not the... point." Sakura trailed off as Saki disappeared over the edge.

"Oh ho. What a pretty day. Very nice day. Good day to find some contracts. I feel the goo-ood vibes." Kōtarō stretched his arms above his head, having just stepped out the door. "Good vibes eh, Romero?" But the zombie dog had disappeared from his side.

"O~o~o~o~o~o" He heard a strange noise and looked up. The sight that greeted Sakura and Lily was both hilarious and painful to look at. Saki and the bike tangled in ways a human body shouldn't be able to, the whole mess crushing the producer, who was laid out on the pathway.

"Saki-chan! You killed Kōtarō! Ehhhuugghhh!" Sakura panicked.

"I'm fine. Thanks for asking." Saki replied, twisting her head back around. "I got some sick video though... oh." The camera, unlike the zombie and the producer, had not survived the fall. "Great. Now I have to do it all again."

X X X

Afterwards in Kōtarō's office.

"Is this how you thank me? I give you life, I give you jobs and you TRY TO KILL ME? I will not forget this attempt on my life." He harrumphed.

"I wasn't trying to kill you, dumb ass. If I wanted you dead, you would be too dead to even make a zombie." Saki growled.

"Ah ha. Ha. Exactly what an assassin would say, yeass. You cannot kill the mysterious idol producer, Kōtarō Tatsumi, USELESS BAKA ZOMBIE DOLL! Hm hm hm." He smiled smugly. "But you _are_ getting better at crashing bikes." Sakura had to grab Saki around the waist fast, to keep her from diving over the desk and killing Kōtarō. For real this time. Now would not be the best time to ask for privileges, so she and Lily pulled and pushed the screeching blond hell-cat from the office, her nails digging grooves into the door frame.

"Saki-chan, I need to get Yūgiri-chan, and talk to Junko-chan, but I'm afraid if I leave you'll murder Kōtarō'."

"That ass and his... ass comments." Saki snarled. "I'm gonna slap him in the teeth!"

'You can go talk to Yūgiri-san. I'll get Junko-chan." Lily offered.

"Lily-chan..."

"Please leave this to me." She titled her head cutely, and flashed million-dollar smile, a combo move that had helped make her famous. "Teehee."

Much like Ai, Junko was sitting in the dark. Unlike Ai she didn't have a computer, just a blank wall. "Knock knock. Junko-chan. Lily is here to cheer you up!" Lily sang out cheerfully. The door didn't have a lock, so when there was no reply she let herself in. "Want to play with Lily-chan?"

"I'm sitting alone in a dark room." Junko deadpanned.

"Okay! We can sit alone in a dark room together." She situated herself quietly next to the white-haired zombie. "I used to want space and quiet, because everything could get hard and not fun sometimes, but I never wanted to be alone."

"I don't want to be alone. I want things to make sense. When we perform I can forget the world for a while, but being stuck here, its impossible not to think about... stuff."

"Sakura-chan knows. She wants to talk to Kōtarō-san about letting us get out more, but it wouldn't as fun without you. Things are always better with friends."

"Even sitting alone in the dark." Junko smiled and squeezed Lily's hand.

X X X

"Oh ho you're back. Come to throw another bike at meee, eh, Crash Bicy-coot?"

"I don't speak brain damage." Saki sneered.

"Ahaha. Okay..." Sakura got between the two of them. "Eh, eto... Kōtarō-san, we were hoping since we have so much free time we could get out some? From the house? I think being here so much is having bad effects on us." Lily and Yūgiri nodded agreement. Junko just leaned against the wall, her arms crossed.

"Oh Franchoochoochchoo doesn't appreciate their free protection now. Ungrateful. Disgraceful. If you out you'll discovered USELESS BRAIN ZOMBEE GIRL!" Unseen by everyone except Junko and Kōtarō was Ai stepping into the doorway, tapping a baguette into her open hand. Kōtarō visibly twitched. "G-g-g-g-g... Fine. But I'm not doing your makeup every time you want to-to-to GO FOO FOO AROUND THE TOWN, so you better learn this." He thrust his makeup case into Sakura's arms. "Go make yourself less horrifying. You can leave for a couple hours after daily practice. NOW GO AWAY. Go go go go go GO!" The office door slammed in her face, not for the first time.

[Lily here. Sakura-chan came through for us and got Kōtarō-san to give us time off. She's such a cool big sister! Speaking of big sisters, Yūgiri-san is putting my face on so we can go explore the city! Aren't I cute with my makeup on? Teehee. Next time on Zombieland Saga: 'Saki-chan is not allowed to use eBay.' Daisuke! Byebye.]


	3. Rule 3: Saki-chan is not allowed

Rule 3: Saki-chan is not allowed to us eBay

Saki was actually grounded. A status she found both unbelievable _and_ unfair, all things considered. The others were going out city gawking and she was stuck at the house! Just for wrecking one stupid bicycle. And a camera. And maybe for nearly killing Kōtarō. Probably mostly that last one. Part of her punishment was locating and purchasing a replacement camera. The final bit of her punishment was paying for it out of her own allowance.

"Alright nerd box. Gimme what I need and no one has to get hurt here." Saki grumbled at the desktop. Ai had given her a quick crash course in internet browsing, so at the very least she knew how to Google search things.

' _If you get lost just use Google_ ' had been Ai-chan's parting words of sage advice, before abandoning her leader with the rest of the traitors. Some crew they had turned out to be! Frustratingly there wasn't a 'Google button' so she typed 'Google' into the search bar, which took her to the homepage with the exact same search bar. "Ha! That was easy. I'm practically a hacker." Searching video camera's for sale showed a ton of page links, which eventually led her to eBay. The next part was easy enough. She just found a cheap video recorder that looked about like the one she broke, and put in the credit info.

That took up about ten minutes of her punishment. Now she had the rest of the day to be alone and bored. This was something that Kōtarō may not have taken into consideration when handing out her punishment detail. After a while sulking at the screen got tiresome and she watched a few videos, but that got old quickly too. Making a video was what had gotten her into this situation to start with. Then she searched whatever random gross thing she could think up, but this didn't really held her attention for very long. Somehow she ended up back at eBay looking at things 'frequently bought together' clearly joke suggestions, given some of the combos. She was about to turn off the computer when an idea wandered into her head. She started searching again.

"Tomo- Ta- Tamagotchi! Whoaaa! No freaking way!" Her eyes dazzled by the amazing array of colors, shapes and friend types. Pigs, chickens, puppies, monsters, dinosaurs! As she scrolled down the seemingly endless page of electronic pets, she thought back to her little pal, with its rad blue case and the yellow buttons. It had been a mushroom-thing she named Shiitaki. She got it for her birthday when they were really popping in popularity, which made her cooler by proxy. That wasn't why she loved it though. It was a special friend that she could tell anything and it would never reveal her secrets, unlike a shady untrustworthy diary. It didn't judge her, or get on her nerves or insult her. And it needed her for survival. How many people in her life had ever actually needed her or wanted her, before the old gang? Being depended upon was something Saki craved, but had never realized herself.

Happy memories laying in bed talking to Shiitaki as she waited for... something passed through her mind. That part of the memory was blank. Shiitaki had filled some hole in her life, but the details were fuzzy. The more she thought about it the more her mind closed up. That brought up a more familiar and comforting feeling, the anger that became her other constant companion when Shiitaki wasn't enough. Things were connecting in her mind but she couldn't make them untangle... Maybe Junko wasn't the only one messed up in the head. Maybe they were all wrecked in some unseen way. Ai was a perfectionist and impatient, Junko was depressed, Lily and Tae were their own cans of worms. Yūgiri, who could tell with her? She was so inscrutable at times and had a way of just playing along with everything. Sakura would sympathize. She had memory issues as well, but then what? They hug it out and cry? Oh yeah, all Shades needed was to see her show some weakness. This wouldn't be an issue if she had another Shiitaki to talk to.

Saki glanced at the credit card Kōtarō had given her, eyes flicking back to the screen, then at the card. A wicked smile curled her lips. Tamagatchi were _really_ cheap, and what was he going to do anyway, yell at her some more? She moved the mouse to add a cute one to the cart, when Sakura spoke up in her mind. ' _Eto... that's not something you should do, Saki-chan. Kōtarō could ground you more_.'

"Jeez, even when you're not here you're bringing down my fun." Saki grumbled, but hesitated clicking the button. "They're like, less than 300 yen. How mad could he get?"

' _Maybe you're not in the best mindset to make decisions, Saki-chan. You are talking to a voice in your head, and you're probably lightly concussed from falling off the roof.'_

"I don't know or care what that means." Saki replied. "Wait a minute, if you're me, and I'm me, and I'm talking to myself, can you-me help me-me recover some memories? Or are you a useless brain..." She struggled to remember the word. "...Thing?"

' _Figment of your imagination?_ ' Sakura's voice offered. "

"Holy shit I know some words. Maybe I should dive off roofs more often." Saki replied to... herself. The voice in her head didn't reply. "Well that was weird while it lasted, but now I'm buying this 'gatchi."

As she clicked 'add to cart' Kōtarō, sitting in his office, grabbed his chest dramatically. "Romero, I sense a disturbance. Gg...gg..gg..gg. What are those BAKA girls doing in town?"

It was about this time the others were returning to the house, coincidentally. Saki logged off to go hear what they had gotten into, glad for something to kill the boredom. She had actually started talking to herself after all! Kinda surprising they were back so fast though.

"Saki-chan, we got lunch! Manager-san from Tori Drive-In saw us and gave us free food." Sakura's voice rang through the house. "That's not all, we got a performance set up at a big event."

"Oooh, what's this!?" Kōtarō appeared from nowhere, nearly making Sakura jump out of her skin. " Is it not the job of I, mysterious producer Kōtarō Tatsumi, to arrange, procure or otherwise handle all performances dealings? It's in your contracts, IS IT NOT?"

"We don't have contracts you dingbat." Ai replied, "We never signed anything. Most of us are too young to sign a contract anyway."

"Gg...gg...gg...gg... well, what is this big event Franshooshoo has landed? Hmm?" His voice dropped to a mocking falsetto. "A lemonade stand? A book fair? Oooh, maybe a birthday party? Gonna make those BEEG BUCKS, BAYBEE?" He smiled smugly.

"Ai-chan, Saki-chan, let me tell him please? Please?" Lily was practically jumping up and down.

"Of course, Lily-chan. Tell Kōtarō-san about our tiny engagement." Ai smiled a smile that put a knot in Kōtarō's stomach.

"We got invited to perform at Comiket. Someone recognized us from the commercial- Kōtarō-san?"

Kōtarō was laid out on the floor, twitching and foaming at the mouth a little. "Gg...gg...gg...gg..."

"Sakura-can I think I killed Kōtarō-san."

"Ehehe... He'll be fine, Sakura ushered Lily out of the hallway. "Let's just give him some time to recover."

 **Later**

Saki had been summoned to Kōtarō's office, for what she assumed would be a required apology or something. Like that was ever going to happen...

"So, Franchouchou landed Comiket. Even I, the fabulous and magnificent manager had not dreamed of such a height." Seemed like a strange thing to admit. let alone seemingly brag about, but Saki held her tongue. "Since we have been given such a glorious opportunity, I have a _very special_ job for you at the event. Very good, very _NICE_. Well suited to your interests I think, hmmm."

"What, you got me directing parking or holding a sign or something? Ha! Your punishment game is weak, man. Bring it on!"

"You are going to walk around the event selling Franchouchou photo key-chains, attached to the ton of tamagatchi's we'll have. And I expect you to sell EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!"

 _Tamagatchi? Huh? What is he on about now_. "Eh? I just bought one. It was so cheap-"

"In bulk. They were that price IN BULK! You bought a thousand, and you're going to sell them all, as a gift with the photo key-chains. You'll have three days, so start working on your sales pitch."

"...Shit."

[Junko here. Ai and I had some fun today, I wonder if she would want to do something like that again? I mean! Uhh, get plenty of rest and stay hydrated, okay? Next time on Zombieland Saga: 'Take snacks for Tae-chan when you go out.' Ja ne]


	4. Rule 4: Take snacks for Tae-chan

_Also, other than Sakura, the girls do remember their pasts as shown in the past few episodes._ **Spantan 719**

 **A/N** Fair criticism. Allow me to explain for anyone else wondering about this. I intentionally tweaked Saki's back story to give her character a little mystery. It is off brand from the series, but it was also intentional. I'll probably do this more depending on how the series fills out its final episodes. Its different but hopefully won't turn readers off.

 **Rule 4: Take snacks for Tae-chan when you go out**

"We got invited to perform at Comiket-"

[[ **Pause** ]] [ **Rewind** ] [ **Play** ]

"I feel a little bad about leaving Saki-chan." Sakura hesitated outside the door. "We could wait until her punishment is up..."

"Like heck we can. We finally have some personal freedom. Lets enjoy it before Idiot Manager changes his mind." Ai put her hand on Junko's shoulders and gently pushed her ahead, the addendum to her comment left unspoken.

"The punishment may seem harsh, but actions must carry consequences. I suspect Saki-chan has had difficulty accepting this truth in the past. The healing medicine that is bitter still heals." She took Lily's hand, the pair following Ai and Junko. That just left Tae and Sakura.

"Rraarrggggh?" Tae offered her sleeve-hidden hand.

"Awww, thank you Tae-chaaaaaaa..." Sakura got out before Tae started running after the others at full speed, pulling the pink-haired zombie behind her. "Slow down Tae-chan!"

Between them they only had a handful of yen. Their 'allowance' that Kōtarō had started giving them. It wasn't enough to ride the train, or buy anything worthwhile. But it was a nice gesture. Somewhat. So instead they were left with wandering and sightseeing, both of which are wonderfully free. "It really is a shame. In my old life I would have had means to indulge you all with pleasantries. Death takes everything from us though." Ai and Junko nodded their agreement. Though never rich by any standards, they had been popular enough in their own times to enjoy some special amenities.

"Yūgiri-san, you were rich?" Lily asked. "That's amazing! I think we had some money, but Pappy handled all that. I never cared about how much I made anyway."

"I don't know if I was rich." Yūgiri mused. "Certainly not by this eras standards, I am sure."

"You're so modest, Yūgiri-san" Sakura smiled as she was dragged past, leaning back on her heels to hold Tae in check. "Tae-chan please, my shoes!" She finally got a break when Tae stopped at a bakery, pressing herself against the glass. "Lets just... stop a moment... please."

Up ahead of the group Ai and Junko were walking side by side, just taking the sights in. It would have been an experience for Ai even without the generation gap, as she wasn't from Saga. Ironically the same could be said for Yūgiri, even though she _was_ from Saga. Or from one of the cities that had since been incorporated into the prefecture in the last century or so.

"Eh? People are still playing video games?" Junko pointed to an arcade they were about to pass. "I thought that fad would have died out by now."

"Never!" Ai replied with some excitement. "I'll have to introduce you to the PlayStation sometime. These games are super old."

"Oh." Junko replied, looking down. Ai realized she just insulted her friend.

"I mean, come on, lets check it out." She took Junko's hand and tugged her into the dim doorway. To Ai's surprise the place was filled with modern games she had never even seen before. "Okay. Wow."

"Wow." Junko echoed. It was unlike what either of them had experienced before. For Ai, with her interest in modern tech, this was a wonderland. For Junko it was like walking into the shining future.

That was when Ai heard something that caught her off guard. One of her old group's songs was playing. Specifically she heard _herself_ singing. It sent a chill down her stiff spine. Ai wandered away from Junko who was seemingly dazzled by the graphics and sounds on display around her, and followed the song deeper into the arcade. It was a machine with a large screen and a pair of rubber pads in front of it. The screamingly bright logo proclaimed it as _Dance_ _Retro-_ _Genesis_. The song was apparently one of a snippet list, meant to attract attention.

"What is it?" Junko asked, appearing at Ai's side and making her jump a mile. "Karaoke?"

"I think its a dance game." Ai replied, still rattled. "It has one of _Iron Frill_ 's songs."

"Oh." Junko Paused. "Do you want to try it?"

"What? I mean, why would I? It wasn't even one of our better songs..."

"Maybe you're afraid I'll out dance you at your own song?" Junko smiled shyly, arms crossed over her chest.

"Oh, is that how we're going to be, huh." Ai replied, but she was also smiling.

"One song." Junko said.

"That's all I'll need." Ai replied.

X X X

"Our group seems to have become divided." Yūgiri noted calmly. She and Lily had been casually strolling around Saga, mostly taking in the architecture, and trading stories of their experiences in Saga, both 'modern' and historical. Despite the age and time gaps they had found common ground as former 'entertainers.' They were both taught to sing, though Lily didn't know any instruments. Both had used costumes in work. Both had experienced stalkers. Both had started in entertainment very early. But the conversation soon turned to things current. Specifically they're little wandering band of idols.

"Do you think they're okay?" Lily sounded a little worried.

"I wouldn't be concerned. They know how to avoid trouble."

"Where do you think they are?" Lily replied.

"Hmmmm." Yūgiri didn't have to ponder that one very long. The darkening clouds brought a gust of wind, carrying a sheet of paper that Yūgiri snatched out of the air. It was a flyer for Tori Drive In. "They're here." She said with absolute confidence, nodding to herself.

"How do you know?" Lily wondered.

"The wind whispered in my ear." Yūgiri smiled mysteriously

X X X

The game had instructions on playing, and they picked it up pretty quickly. Ai was impressed with how much Junko's dancing had improved the last couple months, but even more impressive was her singing along with the music. She still had the idol magic, and Ai wondered what it would have been like to have her in Iron Frill.

Junko caught Ai looking, who looked away with a sudden blush, caught mid-imagining.

Ai started singing along as well, though not looking at Junko, turning the dance competition into a cute duet-battle, the two stealing glances and sharing little smiles. They became so engrossed in the dance battle that they didn't notice they were sweating from the exercise. Towards the end of the song they started trying to throw each other off, exchanging playful pokes to the others sides. Eventually Junko did trip on her feet, and grabbing Ai, took them both out of the game as they toppled together to the floor giggling. Ai won in the final score, just barely.

Junko propped herself on her elbow, not in a super fast hurry to get up for some reason. "Ai-chan, would you want to... uhhh."

"Yes?" Ai replied, leaning closer.

"Uhhhh! Your makeup is running! Oh no!"

"Eh?" Ai wiped at her cheek, the skin coloring coming off on her fingers. "Yours too! We should go."

"Yep!" Junko agreed.

X X X

"Stop stop stop!" Sakura yelled at Tae. She clung to the other zombie's waist being whipped around like a windsock. Tae had chased the bakery store truck with unbridled enthusiasm. "STOP!" She planted her feet and dragged Tae to a halt mere feet from busy traffic. Sakura spun Tae around and took her by the face in a desperate attempt to make her listen. "Please stop chasing everything that smells like food. My shoes are wearing out. Okay?"

Tae nodded, seemingly understanding. "Alright. lets go find the others-" Tae started sniffing the air. "No. No Tae-chan." She made a grab for Tae's shirt but caught her long black hair instead, just as Tae took a right and started running again, her head coming off with a pop! It only took Sakura a moment to realize she was holding Tae's head, and her body was running down the side walk. "Eaaauugghhh!" She began to panic. Which attracted more attention from pedestrians. "Magic. Haha. Magic trick. Street magician! Eheheh."

"Oi, miss, do you have a permission for a street performance?" It was that cop, apparently the only one in Saga. Or the one she had the bad luck of constantly running into.

"I, ah, ehe. I don't. I better go tell my friend the act is over. Bye!" She ran away before he could ask more questions, leaving him scratching his head in confusion. How exactly Tae's body was still up and running raised a lot of questions about zombie anatomy, but there was no time to ponder that now. The better question was _where_ had it run to. "Tae-chan, what did you smell?" She asked the disembodied head.

"Aroo aroooo." Tae's head replied.

"Ohhhhh... HUP!" She took off running in a new direction.

X X X

"Hello ladies, taking a personal day?" Ai and Junko spun around from the vending machine. Ai was wearing a red face mask. Junko was wearing a pink one with teddy bears on it. They traded a glance. It was the manager of that chicken place Saki loved so much.

Ai took the lead as Junko half hid behind her, half a step back. "Uh, yeah but we got separated from our friends, _somehow_." Junko coughed quietly behind her. "We might need to contact our manager if we can't find them. Is there a payphone nearby?"

The manager waved them off. "I'm on my way back to the restaurant, you can use the phone there and get something to eat." Ai and Junko shared another look. Would they get in more trouble with Kōtarō for taking advantage of this mans generosity, or for rejecting it?

"Thank you very much, you're very kind." She was glad the mask hid the worried looks she and Junk surely shared. The ride was okay, the manager a nice guy who didn't bug them with questions. Everything was fine. That is until Ai saw a headless Tae making a beeline for the restaurant. "Crap..." She pointed it to Junko, who started hyperventilating. "Distract him." She whispered to Junko. "I'll go... do something." As soon as the car stopped she jumped out saying something about bathroom emergency.

"So... uh... chicken. How do you get into this business?" Junko asked lamely.

Outside Ai ran to intercept Tae... somehow.

X X X

Just as Ai was about to tackle Tae's headless body, Sakura leaped from behind her like a crazy jungle cat, slamming Tae's head onto her body just as the she crashed into Ai, the three tumbling over each other comically. "Looks like your friends found you." The manager said in a confused tone. Ai, Sakura and Tae (with her head) jumped to their feet, Ai pushing Sakura forward of the trio.

"We... huhhh we were... we're always... performing... it's... huhhh part of our" Sakura choked on the dry words. "Agh, ahem, a new part of our act! Did you enjoy the free preview?" She wheezed. Somehow Yūgiri and Lily not only had an drama-free trip, they had somehow missed the three-way wrestling match with Tae. But they had got back together and hadn't revealed their true selves. Now they just had to get back to the mansion...

"Excuse me, I saw your street show outside." An unknown man approached them girls. "Why kind of entertainment do you do?"

"Uh, hehehe. We normally do idol shows instead of... magic. We're Franchouchou." Sakura introduced everyone.

"Well," the man replied, "If your dancing is half as impressive as your magic, then do I have a job for you." The girls exchanged looks. "See, I'm a coordinator for Comiket."

[Yūgiri here. We had such a fun day, and yet how productive it turned out. The gods have smiled down on Franchouchou this day. I must admit I am intrigued by the concept of this Comiket. A grand bazaar fill with artisans and scribes and their crafts. My bloodline is honored to attend such a prestigious undertaking. Next time on Zombieland Saga: 'Please hold Lily-chan's hand at Comiket.' Sayōnara.]


	5. Rule 5: Hold Lily's Hand at Comiket

Rule 5: Please hold Lily-chan's hand at Comiket

"OHAYO GOZAIMASU, LADIES!" Mysterious producer Kōtarō Tatsum greeted the undead girls. "Look alive for change of pace, TODAY IS A GOOD DAY! Yes? Good day indeed. You have proven yourselves less than completely useless." He awkwardly attempted to rouse a clap from his subjects, but they just looked on with (literal) dead-eyed gazes. The exception of Tae, who was sleeping again. "Okay! Okay! Settle down! I need to talk about something else." He dramatically produced a face-mask from his pocket and looked at Junko. The same mask she had to wear on their day out to hide her melting makeup job. "Did you not think I would figure this one out? Did you? You give me too little credit. Hm hm hm!" He smiled smugly.

"Uh... uh.. uh..." Junko's mind went blank in a panic.

"That's perfectly explainable..." Ai stared to say, but Kōtarō held up one hand, interrupting her. Just as good. She didn't actually have an explanation.

"I understand everything."

"Y-you do?" Junko was confused. He was taking their near-exposure pretty well, everything considered.

"Yeassss. You must think I'm pretty dense." He paused for a moment, but no one argued the point. "You were supposed to disagree with that."

"No no." Sakura replied. "We were just..."

"Your flattery will NOT SWAY ME, ZOMBIE EGG HEAD!" Sakura just sighed. She had walked right into that one.

"Yes I know what this mask is all about perfectly well. You!" He tossed it onto Junko's lap. "Its part of your character, yes? You are going to wear it when we go in and leave. The stand-off, untouchable idol thing, very chic. Very nice."

"That's how I do it." Junko replied quietly, clenching the mask in her hands, barely controlling her breathing.

"You'll still have to sign autographs. Yes I know, but you have to play nice for the fans. Okay okay?"

"Sure." Junko just squirmed under his stare.

"Kōtarō-san, Kōtarō-san!" Lily waved a sheet of paper in the air.

"Hai hai, I'm Kōtarō." He took the paper and examined it. It was a slightly crude drawing of all the girls and himself. "Hm hm very nice." He folded the picture and put it into his shirt pocket dismissively. Yūgiri saw her heart deflate a little, and patted Lily's hand comfortingly.

"Now, what is the most important thing to achieve today?" He addressed the group again.

"Don't mess up?" Ai offered.

"No! Well yes. Not just that though."

"Sell lots of merchandise?" Saki added.

"No! Also yes, but no! This should be easy even for brainless zombies."

"Give our customers the most pleasurable experience we can?" Yūgiri suggested.

"Have fun and make people smile?" Lily asked.

"NO! Make as much of an impression as possible! We have a big chance to make ourselves known here, and I won't have you wasting it enjoying yourselves! I didn't raise you from BEYOND THE BEYOND just to take up my mornings!" Lily started having flashbacks of showbiz people that had used her like a product. So far she had managed to ignore his crassness, mostly, but his disinterest in her picture had triggered something inside her.

"Don't you even care about us?" Lily asked. "Are we just.. just..." The word dolls echoed through her mind, giving her a brief chill. She had been in a movie with some other children and the director had referred to the kids as dolls, providing about as much human warmth as he might to a movie prop. It was the worst role of her life. Lily stood up and stomped from the room, her fists clenched at her sides.

"I'll go see to her." Yūgiri bowed and went after her. A brief awkward silence settled over the group, following her absence.

"Well... I should go feed Tae-chan before we leave." Sakura added. "Come on Tae-chan." They also left the meeting room. Ai didn't bother making any excuses. She just glared daggers at Kōtarō before taking Junko by the arm and leading her out.

"Nice going, Shades." Saki commented. "You know, me and Ai can roll with your bullshit. Even Sakura and Junko can handle you. But Lily is a _freaking_ kid. You gotta be gentler with her. Even if you don't care, Yūgiri is gonna jack you up one day." She sauntered out, leaving just the dog behind.

"Meeting adjured." Kōtarō told the empty chairs.

X X X

"Okay okay. This is where I would give a heartfelt group pep talk, but you girls don't want those anymore. I GUESS." Kōtarō grumbled as the pulled into the parking lot.

"When have you ever-" Saki started to say from the passenger seat.

"ANYWAY." Kōtarō overrode her comment. "I trust you remember what you're doing today. From the meeting... That you left early..."

"Sorry." Sakura mumbled from somewhere in the back.

"Whatever. Saki, you know your mission, yes?" The other girls looked at each other in confusion. Saki hadn't mentioned anything about a secret endeavor. Saki nodded her affirmation. "Alright. Don't let me down. Or I'm selling your body for science."

"Um, are we missing something?" Junko asked quietly.

"Yeah. We aren't dressed to perform." Ai added. "What's the deal?"

"Mm? Feeling shy?" He pushed in his cheeks and said in a high pitched falsetto "Franchoochoo feeling confused? Oh no-o-o-o" He returned to his normal voice. "Maybe you should have stayed through the meeting. Today you will be going _au naturel_ , Jeune Saga. Half the people here are in costume and the other half are... you know..." He flapped his hand back and forth. "Otaku-types. They won't know you aren't in disguise. Brilliant and economical, no?" He smiled into the mirror. "The mysterious producer plans for every occasion!" The girls cleared out of the van without comment on his genius. "I guess you're the only one not mad at me, Romero. Ts lonely." He said to the dog.

"I'm still sitting here, don't pretend like I don't exist, man. I'm the only one speaking to you." Saki interjected. "I'll talk them down later. They won't stay mad for long anyway."

"Terribly lonely." Kōtarō continued with forced melancholy, ignoring the blond zombie. "Sometimes I can still hear them..."

"Asshole." Saki snarled, taking a case of tamagotchi out the back of the van, and slamming the door shut.

X One average show later X

In lieu of a photo op they were selling picture key-chains looped with tamagotchi. It was a weird business turn that none of them could really figure out. Ofcourse Kōtarō's logic was usually inscrutable at the best of times, and random at worst. So while strange, it really wasn't too off brand for him. Perhaps stranger was Saki's new found enthusiasm for selling merchandise, which she wasn't open to talking about.

Kōtarō materialized from the crowd of humanity to check their progress. "Hello ladies. Good work. Very nice. Looks like we'll make our money back and some profit. Hm hm."

"I thought our goal was to make an impression on people. Why are we selling these retro things that have nothing to do with being an idol anyway?" Ai grumbled.

"Oh can you not multitask? Does singing and dancing take up all the space in your rotting brains?" Kōtarō poked Ai's forehead. "Retro is cool. Hai, Saki?"

"The coolest." Saki quickly agreed.

"Not to overstep my place, but perhaps we should have sold some... what is the wording... image moments?" Yūgiri suggested.

"Photo ops." Junko quietly corrected.

"That." Yūgiri continued. "Our native beauty have proven _very_ popular with the customers. Especially Ai-han and Junko-han." Junko blushed lightly at the compliment.

"OH WHAT AN IDEAAAA!" Kōtarō groused, arms crossed. "Would have been nice if we didn't have _sooo_ much MERCHANDISE to sell." He cut a look back at Saki, but she had disappeared somewhere in a hurry. "Where's short stuff? She's not a slacker."

"Why, so you can make her cry again?" Ai replied. "Maybe next time you can shred the picture and sprinkle the confetti in her hair."

"Eh? That's what she was upset about this morning?" Kōtarō frowned.

"Actually she seemed to have made peace with it. I think she went to the... I forget the word. The privacy room?" Yūgiri said.

"Hmmm." Kōtarō replied. "I'll go find her." He whistled to summon Romero before melting back into the crowd.

"What a weirdo." Ai commented.

"I thought he'd never leave." Saki said, poking her head out from under the table.

X X X

Lily did not know she was being followed. She had no reason to think this with all the people walking around her, as she made her way to the bathroom. She wasn't thinking about much of anything really, except perhaps about Saki's weird reluctance to talk about the toys they were selling. A part of her thought there was something going on there, but she wasn't curious enough to poke Saki for questions.

After she had finished her business she got the creepy feeling something was wrong. She heard the door open but no sound of anyone... you know... using the facilities. Also the footsteps were kinda heavy and shuffling, which registered as wrong in her mind but she wasn't sure why.

"Hello." She heard someone say.

"Someone's in here." Lily replied. Though it was a multiple stall restroom so that didn't mean much. It was just the first thing she thought to say.

"I know." The voice replied. Now Lily was really getting creeped out. Someone was in the bathroom with her, just hanging out. "I saw you sing. You're very cute."

' _Uhhhhhh._ ' "Thank you." Lily awkwardly moved to the sink to wash her hands, but paused when she saw the speaker was some guy. "This is the, uh, girls room. The boys room is next door."

"I know." The guy repeated. "I wanted to talk to you."

"We usually do meet and greets after performances." Lily replied uncertainly, stepping towards the door but the guy didn't move aside.

"Have you ever dressed like a cat girl? You would be a very cute cat girl." The guy pulled a pair of cat ears out of a bag. "Try them on." Now he moved, but towards Lily. She had been warned about stalkers and weirdos, but never actually met one in her career. Maybe because her pappy was usually around and he was built like an earth-mover. Lily was starting to feel really scared, and trying to call for help but something was caught in her throat.

"I need to get back to the others." She managed to get out.

"Try these on first, and I'll take a picture, then you can go." The freak replied, edging in.

"I..." Lily started to say.

"Ohayou, lolicon." A familiar voice said, a hand dropping onto the creeps shoulder. "No photo ops today."

"I was just talking to her." The guy turned around to face Kōtarō.

"Kōtarō-san..."

"Go wait outside, Lily. I'm going to explain to your fan here Franchouchou's meeting protocol."

"Okay!" Lily hurried out of the bathroom.

"Listen." Lily heard the guy say as the door swung shut. A moment later Kōtarō stepped out, shaking his hand a bit.

"Lets grabs some snacks and find the others, okay?" He ruffled Lily's hair.

"Can I pick the snacks?"

"Yes yes, whatever." Kōtarō held her hand as the door closed behind them, hiding the sight of the creeper laid out cold against the wall, his eye already darkening. The cat ears head wear snapped in two pieces on the floor.

X X X

The productive day had risen everyone's mood, and even Ai was chatty as they pulled back up at the mansion, everyone clearing out of the van quickly. "Oy, Saki. Hang back a moment." Kōtarō said.

"I know, I know we still have a few boxes to sell. I'll get rid of them tomorrow. I think I hit a good pitch today. I threaten to beat them up if they don't buy something. Nerds love that for some reason."

"Nah, I wanted to say you did well today. We might actually turn a profit when its over." Kōtarō started straight ahead, his hands resting on the wheel, one of which was wrapped in gauze tape for some reason.

"Compliments? Who are you and what did you do with the asshole we work for? Actually, it doesn't matter, you can keep him."

"Haha. Ha." Kōtarō replied sarcastically. "Send Lily to my office before you go to bed."

"Ehh? What happened to Lily?"

"Mind your business, unless you want everyone to know the real reason why we were selling tamagotchi today..."

"Aye chief." Saki murmured to herself, curious but not up for risking her own secret.

"Oy, Saki." He called her attention once more. When she turned back he tossed her something she caught with one hand. It was a tamagotchi. "Its still coming out of your allowance!"

X X X

"Kōtarō-san?"

"Lily, come in please. And close the door."

"Am I in trouble?"

"No. But please turn around."

Lily was confused but did as she was asked. She had never seen the back of the office door before. When they came to Kōtarō for something the door was always open. Now she could see it was decorated with pictures Lily had given him before, some of which she didn't even remember. The pictures would be on full display from his desk, whenever the door was shut.

"You keep them? But why do you act so..."

"Aloof? Hmhm. Saki and Ai are hardheaded. If I show some softness those two would be challenging every thing I try to do, not like they don't take turns doing that half the time anyway." He placed hands on Lily's shoulders, though much gentler then he had with the creep. "You girls are important to me. Sometimes i forget to say that. I'm sorry, Lily-chan."

After the tebsion of the morning, it was a relief to Lily to shed a few tears.

[Saki here. I'm getting pretty good at selling things, aren't I? Kōtarō should promote me to manager of sales or something. I dunno what happened with him and Shrimpy, but he must have taken my advice because they seem chill now. Maybe he's not a total asshole after all. Next time on Zombieland Saga: 'Do not tell Junko that Santa isn't real.' Later!]


	6. Rule 6: Don't Tell Junko-chan

Rule 6: Don't Tell Junko that Santa Isn't Real

It was Christmas time at the Franchouchou House. A light snow was falling outside, though it wouldn't get deep, and even then not until January. It did serve to make the area look rather festive though, something that inspired Kōtarō with an impromptu 'Christmas shoot' up in the mountains where the snow was heavier. The girls throwing snowballs and making a snowman, and looking cute in big sweaters. You know the drill. Afterwards they had returned to the house where Sakura had insisted they decorate for the occasion. Junko and Lily were excited, Saki and Ai more reluctant. Yūgiri was confused about all this. Kōtarō had just flapped his hand towards the old part of the house, mumbling something about Christmas stuff.

"Bah! Christmas is lame. I never got what I wanted. Birthdays were better for presents." Saki, wearing a sweater reading 'Sugar n' Spice' had been drafted into helping Sakura and Junko move boxes around and find the decorations.

"Maybe because Santa knew you were naughty." Junko commented quietly, a small smile playing on her face. Even Sakura snickered at the comment. The holiday talk had put them both in a giddy mood. Junko was wearing a brown teddy bear hoodie, the sleeves swallowing up her hands. Sakura was wearing a simple unadorned sweater over her shirt.

"Maybe its because Santa isn't real." Saki grunted, moving a heavy box that seemed to be full of magazines. Something dropped to the floor hard behind her. "Ahh, stop knocking shit over you two." She glanced over her shoulder to see what they were doing. Sakura was starring at her with disbelief. Junko looked like someone had slapped her.

"Hawawawa..."

"What?" Saki asked, her frustration turning to confusion. "What's wrong?"

"Hawawawa..."

"Oh look! I found the tree!" Sakura quickly changed the subject. Saki found the decorations a minute later. Junko was still standing in place, stunned. Sakura waved a hand in Jun ko's face, but to no reaction. "Eto... I think you broke Junko-chan."

"Hawawawa..."

"Ah, crap."

X X X

Ai was humming _Ode to Joy_ as she hung the stockings, somewhat with care. Her concession to the season was wearing a colorful vest instead of her standard yellow-beige. Tae was off doing... Tae things. Lily was explaining Christmas and Santa to Yūgiri, to which Ai was listening with half an ear.

"He flies all over the world, and he gives presents to good people, and he knows EVERYTHING." Lily imparted this knowledge with something like reverence. Yūgiri nodded along as if this made all the sense in the world to her.

"This is indeed a fearsome and powerful yōkai you speak of. You are right to seek his good will. By what traditions will we appeal to his favor?"

"First you're supposed to write him a letter, making your requests."

"Mmhm, written prayers. I understand." Yūgiri agreed.

"Then you leave out snacks and drinks." Lily continued.

"Yes yes. Of course. An offering of the field and of the house. We will have to burn some incense too. Oh, we must fetch some wine, as well."

"Huh? What's the wine for?"

"At the end of a long travel in the snow a man craves a warm bed, and rice wine. I would also like to dance for Santa, to ensure his blessing."

"You can't. He only comes when you're asleep." Lily replied.

"Our food offerings and prayers will have to be enough then." Yūgiri said without any trace of irony or humor.

"Yūgiri-chan, did they have, um, stories just for young children in your time?" Ai started to say.

"Because he's made up!" Saki was saying as she dragged the tree box into the living room.

Sakura made a beeline for Ai, a couple of boxes in her arms. "Ai-chan, you believe in Santa-san, right?" She all but jerked her head in the direction of Junko drifting into the room like a ghost, a distant look on her face.

"Eh? No why would I~~ what did you guys do to her!?"

"Hawawawa..." Junko commented.

"Saki kinda... broke her by not believing in Santa-san." Ai found herself in a weird place. She was about to tell Yūgiri the truth, but here Junko also believed the silliness. On the other hand she wanted to straighten out Saki for clearly distressing her friend.

"And I'm sure she shared this news with her trademark delicacy." Ai commented dryly.

"Okay, show of hands, who here believes in Santa." Saki said. Yūgiri, Lily, Junko and Tae raised their hands. After hesitation Sakura also raised her hand. "Well, Tae doesn't count. She might not know what we're talking about. That's four to two."

"Don't get me involved in this." Ai crossed her arms defensively.

"Aren't you afraid of Santa-han's anger?" Yūgiri asked. "Our group is still young. We would do better to implore his blessings, lest he deliver a curse to us."

Ai snorted. "I think we're safe. Plus, do you think he would bring gifts to zombies?" She immediately wished she hadn't spoken out loud.

"He wouldn't?" Junko asked.

"He doesn't?" Lily echoed.

"Let's not make assumptions." Sakura tried to calm the situation down.

Sitting at his desk Kōtarō sensed drama building. Switching off the lights and locking the office door, he hid himself beneath his desk with a bottle of sake. "Humbug." He muttered to himself.

"He could be real." Ai conceded for Junko's benefit. "But if he is, than he hates me. He stopped visiting me when I was only seven. If he ever started." She quickly added. Junko was sitting on the floor, starring at nothing as Yūgiri stroked her hair comfortingly.

"Junko-chan, come help me pick out some mood music? Something to make us happy about Christmas again." Sakura suggested, at the end of her rope with this whole, group cheerleader bit, but she didn't want Junko hiding in the back of the house again.

"What tapes do we have?" Junko asked, looking into the box Sakura held.

"Eh? Tapes?"

"To play the music." Junko replied with mirrored perplexity. "What are these? Records? When did we go back to these?"

"These are CD's. They play music when they spin around."

"Eh? See Dee? But you just described a record..."

"Okay let me start over~~"

X X X

Saki and Ai had removed themselves to another room to discuss other matters.

"I don't know what I did wrong, or _if_ I was wrong. Everyone our age knows he's not real. Except big sis, but she's been out of the loop for a while." Saki was saying. She was sitting on a dusty staircase.

"You could have been more gentle." Ai was pacing back and forth, her arms still crossed.

"Were you going to be gentle with Lily-chan?" Yūgiri appeared from the shadows, making them both jump.

"She's going to find out eventually~~" Ai said before Yūgiri smacked her cheek.

"And because Lily will never become an adult she must abandon her innocent faith? The cold season is when families must come together for warmth and strength, not to attack someone's hope. You should be comforting your beloved in this time."

"I don't have a~~" Was as far as she got before Yūgiri slapped her again, this time laying her out on the floor, her eyes spinning wildly in their sockets.

"Holy cow. You have a canon arm, Big Sis."

"And you." Saki cringed back from a blow for the first time in her life, waiting for the sting. "You hurt Junko-han. She is a small bird with a broken wing. Would you also cage her away from the vision of the sky?"

"I didn't know~~" **Smack!** Saki's head spun around a full revolution on her shoulders.

"Then you must make amends. Junko-han has been traumatized upon the edge of womanhood. Being a zombie as well is yet more confusing for her. As the leader you would do well to remember each member has our own needs, and weaknesses and desires." She looked with some sympathy at Ai, still on the floor. "And when she wakes up please tell her the courtship dance between her and Junko-han is a beautiful, but she will never be joined to the other if she keeps denying it." The growing closeness between Ai and Junko was something everyone had noted, but no one had said it so bluntly. Saki just nodded, scared to open her mouth and get another slap.

X X X

The tree was decorated in shiny baubles. Token gifts placed under its fake branches. The girls were bedded down snugly and warm, feelings mostly mended and friendships reassured. The drama of the night was put to bed much easier than Lily, despite her own admonishments that they needed to sleep, her childish excitement overriding her pragmatic insistence. Still, no one except Yūgiri awoke when the mysterious stranger arrived, just before midnight. Her death had made her quick to awaken at odd noises in the night, but seeing the muted scarlet coat she remembered Lily's rules, and , realizing who it must be put herself back to sleep quickly.

Santa hummed _Good King Wenceslas_ under his breath as he tended to his duties. For Junko and Ai he put into their stockings pair of those new game systems the kids enjoyed so much these days. Sakura got a disc-man, Tae got a photograph in her stocking. Little odds and ends to this one and that. Then he went to the tree, depositing other, larger gifts. A large, flavored chew bone for Tae. A new riding jacket for Saki (the old one was held together with more stitches than Junko.) For Yūgiri he pulled a sword from the sack.

"Hmmm" He set it aside and re-checked the list. It only then occurred to him he hadn't seen any of these girls in while. Some of them ever, do to 'regional constraints.' "Where have you girls been, to hide yourselves from the eyes of one such as I?"

Where most people would have left a plate of cookies was only what could be called an offering alter, with burning incense, a bowl of rice, some fruit, a bowl of covered soup and a bottle of sake. He immediately knew this was mostly from Yūgiri. The note tucked under the tray was from Junko, asking him to forgive her friends for not believing in him. "Interceding for your neighbors. The mark of a saint." Santa nodded his approval, rolling up her note and tucking it into his coat.

After enjoying the food spread (leaving some as evidence, of course) he quietly made his way around the room, tucking the girls back under the blankets, or in Saki's case re-covering her, leaving one leg out just the way she liked. To Junko he gave a fatherly head pat, slipping a toy bear into her arms before pulling the cover over her shoulder. He still had one thing to do, however.

X X X

Ai was dreaming of being home on Christmas. Her childhood home. She knew this was back when she was seven, even though she had her present teenage body.

"Mizuno-chan. Its been a very long time since I heard from you." He paused "That would be my fault."

"Santa-san... Of course I would be dreaming of this. Of course." She sighed. "Are you here to tell me how crappy I am for not coming to Junko-chan's defense tonight?"

"Not at all. You can't always know the perfect response for each situation." He slipped to one knee to be face-to-face with her, him being over six feet tall. "You know, if I only visited 'good' boys and girls I could knock the run out in a few hours, but that's just not the case. Mistakes happen, and you have to hope they can be healed."

"Still, me and Saki should really be getting coal for this."

"I wouldn't worry about it too much. Little Junko-chan stronger than she knows, and she'll get stronger yet, with your support. Though for your information, children in my day would love getting coal in the Winter times. Ask your friend Yūgiri about pre-electric heating sometime."

Ai didn't really have a reply to that. Instead she said "You should be in Junko-chan's dream. She would love that."

"Junko-chan is sleeping the sleep of the blameless. Bad curses to interrupt such a sleep, even for one such as I."

"You talk like Yūgiri." Ai smiled for the first time.

"I'm sure she and I would have an interesting conversation. Maybe next holiday season. For now though, I wanted to apologize to _you_. When you were a small girl, ahhhh, I forget the exact number. Too many kids, too many years..."

"Seven. I was seven." Ai replied quietly.

"Yes. Please forgive my memory. There was a terrible storm that year, do you remember?" Ai nodded. The winds ripped the list of houses out of my hand, and I couldn't find the last dozen houses. Most of the children forgave me, but one..."

"Me."

"One banished me from her home in her disappointment."

"You didn't come because I hated you."

"You hated me because I failed you, child. I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Oh, and here's an extra gift for you. When you wake up, tell Junko 'you're welcome."

"Huh? What does that mean?"

"Don't forget it." Santa winked.

Ai's dreams melted away to less magical things, unaware of Santa tucking the blanket around her. He stopped at the door though, with one last look around to make sure everything was in order. Upon reflection he grabbed the half full bottle of sake for the road. "That Yūgiri sure knows how to treat a man." He smiled to himself. "Ho ho ho."

[Yūgiri here. Our humble home has been amply blessed by Santa-han's appearance. May his shadow crossing upon our door be a good omen for the days to come. Next time on Zombie Land Saga: 'Kōtarō-san is Banned from Movie Night' Sayōnara]


	7. Rule 7: Kotaro-san is Banned

A/N Spoilers for A New Hope... I guess.

A/N 2 Sorry for the delay. No excuse would suffice so please accept my humble apology. Likewise I must apologize for the shortness of this episode. I had to peck away at it over several days do to schedule, and I simply don't want to go a year without an update. Having said that the next update probably won't be til sometime in March. Apologies in advance.

A/N 3 I'm not a hardcore Star Wars fan and I didn't want to watch it again just to take notes. I'll admit this chapter is not all it could have been, but I give anyone free reign to rewrite this idea for themselves. You can even post it on your account if you wish, I don't even need credit since this idea was pitched to me. Having said all of that, please enjoy.

~~BGS

Rule 7: Kōtarō-san is Banned from Movie Night

Ai-chan awoke slowly from her vivid dream with Father Christmas, feeling some disorientation about what was and wasn't reality. Lily was apparently the first one awake, for once. Most of the other girls stirring much slower, and Junko still seemingly lost in a peaceful rest, a slight smile played out on her pale lips.

"Santa-san was here!" Lily fairly well shrieked with a child's matchless amazement. "He ate some food, but left some and brought presents and... and..." She kept going but Ai was focusing on waking up just now, the dream already fogging up in her memory. Tae was sniffing around the food display and oddly not attacking it as would be expected, but following some invisible clue from it to the entrance door and back again. Strange behavior even for the _already_ enigmatic zombie. Yugiri came awake as instantly and silently as ever, a curious expression on her face. Saki looked bedraggled and couldn't stop yawning. Sakura was apparently already up and moving around. That just left Kōtarō, and Ai didn't care where or what _he_ was up to this Christmas morning.

"Shrimpy, put a sock in it til I get some coffee, aight'?" Saki grumbled, shifting her messy bangs from one side of her face to the other, and accomplishing nothing in the process. Ai started to say something snappy, but Junko started stirring awake around just then.

"Ai-chan." Junko stretched and yawned, discovering the gift Santa had left in the night on her bedroll. "Y-you got me a gift? Th-thank you." Junko blushed cutely. She gave an unexpected display of affection, offering Ai a warm hug. Ai awkwardly returned the embrace, her mind still attempting to focus.

"You're... welcome." Ai mumbled as the last bits of her dream faded away, despite her mind clutching feebly at it. Any chances of reclaiming the memory were blasted away by Kōtarō's inane yelling from a different room in the mansion.

"SAKI, what did you do NOW!?"

"Proof or it didn't happen." Saki mumbled on instinct, slightly more alert now. She had been accused of a lot, and yelled at a lot, and denied or otherwise avoided implications about a lot of things. A strange association but Saki felt a little more normal being yelled at first thing this morning.

"WHO bought this?" The manic producer gestured wildly at a brand new TV set, as if the girls couldn't discern the obvious addition to the common room for themselves. "Didn't anyone learn anything from Saki and the eBay incident?"

"eBay incident?" Ai echoed in confusion. "Hey, what is that rule about anyw-"

"Nothing! Not important! Mind your business!" Saki interrupted, trading off glares with Kōtarō and Ai, daring one of them to say something else about it.

"Santa brought it! Its a Christmas miracle!" Lilly chimed in.

"I, for one, can attest that Santa-han blessed our abode while we were found at rest." Yugiri added, somewhat diffusing the tension.

"Santa?" Kōtarō scoffed. "And he left nothing for the least-naughty person in the house? Unlikely."

"Lilly?" Yugiri asked.

"Sakura?" Ai suggested.

"He meant the dog." Saki corrected them sagely.

"IDIOTS! I MEANT- AAARRGGHH! Never mind!" He shook his head and stormed out of the room.

"You know what this means, right?" Saki looked from one girl to the next, a devilish smile on her lips.

"Kōtarō-han will be in disfavor for the rest of the-"

"Movie night!" Saki interrupted Yugiri. "It means we get to have a movie night tonight. But what do we want to watch?"

"Anime." Junko suggested, joining the conversation.

"A scary movie." Ai voted.

"Yeah. Something with lots of blood-"

"NO!" Junko and Lilly shouted at the same time.

"I'm also one to avoid blood when possible." Yugiri added. "If we are speaking of storytelling, perhaps something with love?"

"No way. Not unless it also has some action." Saki conceded.

"Something fantastic, maybe?" Junko added quietly.

"And love." Yugiri insisted.

"Also funny characters." Lilly input.

"I think I have just the thing for everyone." Ai smiled, much to everyone's doubtful expressions.

X X X Later That Night X X X

"Is this oracle similar to the other we petitioned recently?" Yugiri wondered. "Two oracles in one home. What an age of wonder to live in." Yugiri had the middle of the couch, with Lilly laying on her lap. Junko and Ai sat to her left side, Ai trying to avoid Junko's sideways glances at her. Sakura had the right side of the couch. Saki sat on the floor between Sakura and Yugiri, and Tae was draped over the back of the furniture.

The movie Ai had chosen was _Star Wars: A New Hope_ , for meeting most of the group's criteria, as well as being a known film that threaded the majority of the girls known timelines. It had gone mostly well, as group events went in the house. Yugiri had some grasp of plays and costumes and such, and once the comparison was made she seemed content with the explanation.

"Vadar is the daddy!" Kōtarō crowed, materializing behind the couch and making Junko nearly jump into Ai's lap. "Hmhm! Mock me now, why don't you?"

"Which one is Vadar-han again?" Yugiri asked in confusion.

"Everyone knows that already." Lilly rolled her eyes at Kōtarō.

"Did Han straight-up murder that dude?" Saki wondered.

"I didn't know that." Junko said quietly. She had never had the chance to see the movie, or most movies in fact, between performances and tours and training.

"What the hell, Kōtarō?" Ai was ready to climb over the couch and choke him, but he had already danced away to the safety another part of the house. In the confusion someone had spilled the popcorn all over the floor, which Tae and Romero were busy fighting over. "That asshole..."

"Maybe if we slather him in ketchup Tae-chan will eat him." Saki suggested, half seriously by her tone.

"I saw a man get eaten once. It was not a pleasant experience." Yugiri intoned while caressing Junko's hair comfortingly.

"We're not going to talk about that... or that." Ai replied. "But we will teach him a lesson. Oh yes, everyone hates a dirty spoiler. Even Kōtarō..."

"But the bear creature is a yokai, yes?" Yugiri asked.

"Okay, first we finish the movie, then some explanations, then revenge." Ai amended.

"Why does everything in our group always escalate?" Sakura asked, but then the movie was started again.

X X X

"So, how does this nerd machine help us get back at Shades?" Saki asked, leaning over Ai's shoulder to stare at the screen.

"This shouldn't take much detective work." Ai replied, deftly running her fingers over the keyboard. "Kōtarō doesn't strike me as someone who clears their- aha. His greatest weakness is right here in his search history." Ai smiled evilly as Saki just squinted in confusion. The screen was filled with links to a certain TV show discussion. A TV show who's forums Kōtarō apparently frequented.

Later that day the mysterious producer sat down at the same computer, prepared to unwind and web surf a bit. Maybe check for mentions of Franchouchou, then hit the forums a bit before the girls came back from... wherever. Come to think of it, he hadn't seen much of them since the evening before. He chuckled to himself at the memory. He kinda hoped they would watch other popular movies, so he could get them again. In was in this state of mind that he found himself grabbed from behind, and quickly secured to the chair with ripped sheets.

"So, this is how you repay the mysterious producer who gave you life, and fame and purpose." Kōtarō shook his had sadly as he was spun around to face his captors, Ai, Saki and Yugiri. "if you are going to kill me, do it fast. I won't tell you anything though." He smiled defiantly.

"We're not going to kill you." Ai replied angrily.

"I've thought about it." Saki admitted. "I was going to use ketchup."

"This isn't an interrogation. What would we possibly question you about anyway?" Ai demanded, ignoring Saki's interjection.

"Yeah." Saki grinned gleefully. "Its a hostage situation."

Kōtarō paused, mentally changing gears. "Well than. The demands?" His confident smile returned. They weren't going to actually do anything, and he could wait out this ridiculous charade.

"We want you to never appear at our movie nights again." Ai replied. "And apologize to Junko."

"Or?" His smile widened. "Franchouchou will go on strike? You'll run away again? Do your worst to me, Jeune Saga."

"Or, I'll tell you every single leaked spoiler about your favorite show, starting with the identity of the real father..."

"Stop! Stop! I accept your demands! You wicked, ungrateful, DEMON GIRL!"

"That'll do." Ai smiled. Saki nodded her agreement.

"Our honor is satisfied." Yugiri added.

And true to his word, the producer never did spoil another movie for the girls. however he did get back at Ai-chan for orchestrating his humiliation, kind of. But that's the story of a different rule.

["Junko here. I can't believe Ai-chan got me a gift! If I had know I would have got her something too. Do you think this means maybe... Ehehe, never mind about that. Forget I said anything, okay? Next time on Zombie Land Saga: Ai-chan may not perform spirited but insulting impersonations of mysterious producer Kōtarō Tatsumi during morning meetings. Wew! That was a long one. Bye-bye."]


End file.
